The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
The air taste purple.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
