blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
