fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Randomize
