Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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