I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
