your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
