Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize