remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
