my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
that may or may not have been my penis.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
