Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
