Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
