My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
