i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
