My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
