T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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