I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
