I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
