Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
