i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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