Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
