Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
