not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
