dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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