i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
