Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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