We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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