you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
