My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Randomize
