hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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