i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
