The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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