bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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