Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
