U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
