He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
