i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
