I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
You need a sexual gate keeper
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
