Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize