Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
