Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
