My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Randomize
