The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
