I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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