So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
