I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
