Whod you bang
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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