I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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