I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
