he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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