Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
