Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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