So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
