my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
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