I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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