Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I just blew my weed a kiss
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
