I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I just blew my weed a kiss
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
