"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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