you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
