You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize