Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
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