I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
