i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
