he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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