if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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