Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
