so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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